[ Blue Man Sings The Whites ]

Ahh... go the naysayers. Ahhh... but you haven't played a really good team yet, have you? And no, the Chargers don't count. You'll soon come unstuck when Tampa Bay come to visit in Week 4.

We'll see. We'll see.

The first drive is textbook Bengal football - 44 yards on 11 rushes, 28 more on a couple of passes, three and a half minutes of controlled posession that ends with Corey Dillon bouncing outside to slide over from a yard out. 7-0. In your face, naysayers!

The euphoria lasts, ooh, all of thirty seconds before two Mike Alstott runs and a 49-yard pass from Shaun King to Keyshawn Johnson level the game up. Nadgers.

Oh, and all of a sudden we can't run, either. Our punt goes 40 yards, is promptly returned for 40 yards and then on the next play King hits his tight-end from 32 yards out and we're behind. Double nadgers.

Or maybe not... from the ensuing kickoff, cornerback Andre Dyson ambles up the middle, waits for his blockers, bounces off a tackler, cuts in front of a second, hears John Lynch rumbling up behind him and takes off like his life depends on it (which it probably does) - a 90 yard kick-off return, the very first TD return I can remember in God-knows-how-many years of Madden... Way-hey! 14-14, and we're not done yet!

Alstott, Alstott, Alstott, Dilger, Alstott, nadgers. 21-14 Buccaneers.

But what's this? It's never an explosive drive from the Bengals, is it? Oh, it is - 80 yards in a minute and a half, Willie Jackson takes the ball on a perfect hook-route, spins past a couple of tacklers and dives in. With 27 seconds left in the half, we're going in all square.

Except we're not, are we? 1 play, 80 yards, King to Johnson, I'm looking for a defensive coordinator to punch, and at half-time we're in a shootout! With the Bucs! Who'da thunk it?

Second half. Alstott, Alstott, Alstott, Alstott, Dilger, nadgers. 35-21. It occurs to me that I've still got to play the Steelers twice this year, and if we can't stop Alstott (and we can't) then Jerome Bettis is going to think that all his birthdays have come at once...

We're having to get out of our game-plan to try and chase the game. Akili Smith drops back and rolls out under severe pressure. With nothing open and about to get a linebacker in the face, he forces the pass in Dillon's general direction, back across toward the opposite sideline. Whoops. Pick. Runback. 42-21.

Punt. King drops back under pressure, puts the ball up. Keenan McCardell absolutely mullers Donovan Greer, and it's the third 40-yard-plus TD play we've given up in one afternoon. Nadgers. Oh, and Takeo Spikes, my defensive captain, goes down with a worrying-looking chest injury. Double nadgers. 49-21.

The game petered out from there (pity it hadn't petered out a half ago, but there you are). We do close the gap with another Corey Dillon plunge, and they tack on a meaningless field-goal, but it's been over as a contest for a while. Final score TB 52-28 CIN. Oh, and to add injury to insult, Takeo Spikes will be out for at least 7 weeks with a torn muscle.

The naysayers were right, and the honeymoon period is officially over...

...

Okay. So, bottom line, we just weren't good enough, on either side of the ball, against Tampa Bay. When Shaun King (Shaun King!) is picking apart your secondary, you have to suspect that you've a serious problem somewhere. Let's just pray we're not playing anyone with a decent passing game this week, especially seeing as Takeo Spikes, our best defensive player, won't be seeing action for at least another month and a half... let's see, who's up next..?

The Indianapolis Colts. On the road.

There is no God.

Still, best foot forward, and our first drive is the now-becoming-traditional Dillon-fest, mixed in with the odd play-pass just to keep people on their toes. The Colts show no particular inclination toward tackling, and we cruise downfield, picking up 36 yards on 6 rushes including the equally-traditional 1-yard plunge for the Coreymeister. Our defence actually holds the Colts, a occurance I'm not expecting to see repeated too often, and everything's looking rosy in the garden until our following drive stalls and we're forced to punt. Standing on the sidelines, I watch the ball go up, I watch the ball come down, I watch the ball zip past me on its way 82 yards back to our endzone. 7-7. Nadgers.

Right. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

We go back to the ground with a vengeance, and only bog down on the Indianapolis 21. On 3rd and 7, Smith drops back with perfect blocking around him that gives him a chance to choose between two open receivers. Eenie, meenie, miney, mo... Peter Warrick catches the ball that arcs down over his shoulder and skips in to restore our lead. In your FACE, Dungy!

Two minutes left in the half, which is obviously more than enough for these sods. They eventually stall at our 14 when Marvin Harrison takes a catch on 3rd down that looks easily enough for the 1st until Andre Dyson smacks him back about five yards and the idiot officials give us the mother of all generous spots. I cross my fingers and hope they don't review it, they don't, huzzah, Vanderjagt kicks the FG, 14-10.

Mental note to self. If at some future date, we get the ball deep in our territory with sixty seconds to play in the half, it might be an idea to just run the clock off, rather than try 3 passes that put us three-and-out. There are teams that can take the ball eighty yards in just over a minute. We are not one of them. The Indianapolis Colts, however, are. As they prove. Double nadgers. Somehow, we're going into the locker room 3 points down having utterly dominated the first half. I am not a happy camper.

I'm a positively depressed camper after the kickoff to open the second half, which Dominic Rhodes takes back 94 yards. Treble nadgers. 14-24 Indianapolis, and we've allowed 2 TD kick-off returns and a TD punt return in the last three games.

Special teams coverage is, officially, not our strongest suit.

Okay. Plenty of time left, let's not panic. Let's do what we do best. Run, run, run, Daniel Graham off play-action, run, run, sack, nadgers. 3rd and 16, right on the edge of FG range. Well, we didn't get where we are today (ie, losing) by being cautious, oh no. Chad Johnson slashes infield from the slot, and comes open a split-second before Akili Smith is due to be broken in half by a linebacker. Smith stares into the teeth of the blitz and lets the pass go, Johnson takes it in stride and glides in for a 33 yard TD. 21-24 Indianapolis, and we're back in it!

We're about to go back out of it again as the Colts amble down the field without breaking a sweat, but a gutsy stand by our defence on the 3-yard line means they have to settle for another field-goal as the 3rd quarter runs out. 21-27, less than a touchdown in it...

Our following drive throws up yet another critical 3rd and long, and Peter Warrick steps up at yet another critical time, bless his cotton socks. Akili Smith is under all sorts of pressure, but manages to step up and get the ball away, Warrick beats both DBs set to defend him, and scurries away for a 38-yard gain. Four plays later, Lorenzo Neal picks up his first rushing TD of the season from, yep, you've guessed it, one yard. 28-27 Cincinnati, three and a half minutes to play, and I've a nagging feeling the scoring's not done yet.

Once again, our defence bends, but just about avoids breaking, holding Indianapolis on our 24, and so with 1:53 to play Vanderjagt gives the Colts a 2-point lead. Jesus. Is it too much to expect that once, just ONCE, our defence might actually, you know, HOLD someone in one of these situations?

So, eighty-plus yards, nearly two minutes, three timeouts. Easy. Daniel Graham's been in linebacker-embarassing mood all afternoon, and he steps in to help us out yet again, taking a catch down the sideline, breaking a tackle or two and rumbling off toward the endzone, eventually being dragged down at midfield. 3 plays later, though, Corey Dillon has to dig us out of trouble, his straight-ahead run on 4th and 3 picking up pretty much 3 yards and 1 inch. Phew. On the edge of field-goal range, we surprise them with a play-pass, Smith finding Lorenzo Neal lurking inconspicuously at the sideline. Neal runs over a cornerback and is eventually knocked over for a pickup of 16. Another play-pass sees Graham take a lovely catch in traffic and get dragged down at the 3-inch line, from where Corey Dillon does his thang yet again, and we're up 35-30.

Once the kickoff's safely negotiated (by no means a formality with my team) it's pretty much game over, not even Peyton Manning able to move the ball eighty yards in fifteen seconds. On balance, we deserve the win that moves us to 4 and 1 for the season (4 and 1!) - our offence has scored pretty much at will, while we managed to hold the high-powered Colts to just one offensive TD (we gave up two more on special teams, but, you know, let's not split hairs).

Player of the game was always going to be Corey Dillon, who carried the load for us all day - 35 attempts for 125 yards and a brace of scores. Honorable mention to Daniel Graham's 109 yards off 7 catches, and Peter Warrick with 3 catches for 71 and a TD. The only sour spot of the afternoon came with LG Matt O'Dwyer breaking a finger, an injury that'll keep him out 3 weeks. In the meantime, rookie LT Levi Jones will take his spot in the starting line...

I love it when a plan comes together.

...

Week 6... and woo hoo, if we're not Game Of The Week! Who'da thunk it? The Steelers are coming to Bengalville, so, let's have a look at this "team matchup" thingy...

Oooh, look at all the pretty stars... and isn't it cool how they're all down one side of the screen?

Hmmm.

Anyway, we're not downhearted, 'cuz we know deep down that if we play our best game, we can live with anyone, especially a bunch of dimwitted fat-boys who can't even work out that helmets have got -two- sides.

So. 2nd play from scrimmage, and on one of our regulation give-the-ball-to-the-fat-lad-and-let-him-fall-forward-for-about-four-yards plays, Lorenzo Neal does the first bit exactly as per the textbook - ploughing straight ahead into about four linebackers - but then seems to decide to improvise a bit, by somehow popping out the other side of the enormous ruck he'd just run into. Unfortunately he's carrying so much lard that after 48 yards he has to stop and have a little rest, at which point he's tackled, but hey, it works for me. Two plays later and backup RB Brandon Bennett does the traditional 1-yard-plunge and we're up.

Bettis, Bettis, Bettis, Bettttttiiiiiiiiissssss... 66 yard rush, 7-all. I'm sick to death of the sight of him already. And Jerome is a stupid first name.

Not as stupid, mind you, as Plaxico. I can only imagine that Mr. and Mrs. Burress were looking for a name which had that special "sinister global megacorporation that Ernst Stavro Blofeld is using as a front for his world-conquering activities" ambience. In fact, since Yancey Thigpen, Elvis Grbac and Spergeon Wynn have taken their leave of the NFL, I think that Plaxico Burress stands head-and-shoulders above all others as -the- most ridiculous name in the league.

Apologies to any Plaxicos who might be reading.

Don't mind me, I'm just trying to distract you from what's going on on the field. To cut a long and ugly story short, Akili Smith ended the half with a QB rating of 4 (no, I've not missed any numbers, that's 4, oh-four), and a mild concussion that put him out for the rest of the game. Oh, and to prove we've learned nothing, while 4 points down we try and drive the field with a minute and a half to play, end up having to punt and allow Pittsburgh to drive all the way back for what would have been another touchdown had we not finally gotten Bettis at our 1-foot line. Halftime, then, 17-10 Steelers.

Kickoff. Bettis, Bettis, Bettis, Bettis, 24-10.

Fulfilling our "making it interesting" clause is rookie wideout and kick returner Chad Johnson, who gives us another one of those stroll-stroll-dodge-burn kickoff returns for 89 yards to bring us within 7.

Bettis, Bettis, Bet... stop me if you've heard this one before. 31-17. God's sake.

Lorenzo Neal gets over to get us to 31-24, and, miracle of miracles, our D holds Pittsburgh at the halfway and forces them to punt, but Kitna utterly fails to construct a game-tying drive, missing a wide-open Daniel Graham on a 4th and 6. Muppet. Final score PIT 31-24 CIN, we fall to 4-2, a game behind the Steelers at the top of the division and oh, and we've also lost strong safety Chad Cota for the season with a broken collarbone. Because this defence can -really- afford to lose another starter. Dammit.

Still, we're not in crisis yet. Although there's plenty of time left in the season for that to change...

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(c) daniel roe 2003